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Hurting in immature, old ways.

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  • #personal
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What’s weird about most of the failed ALS ice bucket challenges is that the pail or whatever can only be about… 20 lbs at most? Why can’t people raise 20 lbs above their heads?

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  • #For shame 'merica.
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So far, I’ve learned that most of us joined guard by accident, or without real intention to stick with it, and then we got taken on a freaking ride.

My follow up questions:

- Why?

- Lack of publicity?

- No introduction of any type of skills relevant to throwing giant sticks in the air? (serious question, actually.)

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  • #personal #More stories of how you joined guard please... #Development Class! wooo
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Just a lot going on.

I think i’ve been trying not to use my space here… on my very own blog… because I’ve felt really constrained in general. Forced to be on my own, in my own space. I’ve accepted that the last few months. 

But I am valid, damn it!

Let me just get this off my chest, because it’s been there the last few days when I’ve been least expecting it. Robin Williams’ death hit me so hard. And today, in the car, I think I explained why to myself… The roles he played, the man he was… he was an extremely unselfish as a man, in my mind’s eye. He was a funny man who battled unease, and hopelessness, and self-belittlement. And I get the feeling he fought despite himself. One quote of his that keeps popping up is about the saddest people being the funniest because they wish others not to be the same way. And he was so strong, until he couldn’t be anymore. I don’t know what the demons were specifically, but I know that people in my life, people I interact with—they battle them, and it terrifies me that I could overlook them for the funny, for the craziness they put out there. I can be there. That is what I can do. I can pay attention. I have spent so much time trying to emulate the people I respected because of their ability to be distant, to manipulate me intentionally or unintentionally, but I am not that person, and I won’t be that person.

I found out that my brother’s fiance is pregnant. I am so worried about them! My brother’s talked about having a kid for awhile, but he is the type of person who is barely able to look after himself. He and his fiance smoke marijuana; she is trying to quit smoking cigarettes, and has been for a while… I’m just beyond my mind with worry right now. I don’t know what to do. There is nothing I can do, but again, I just want to be present and available, and conversable…


I had lunch with one of my previous students yesterday—she’s having a hard time with… life, I guess. She went into the hospital at the end of last year, and she’s still having trouble with her medications… she’s losing connection with high school because she’s been out of school… she hasn’t been able to do guard because she’s not been in school… My sweet girl. IT SUCKS. SO MUCH. It sucks to remember that phase, remember what it was like… and to know how it changes! and yet, it’s not possible to convince the person who is going through it at the moment that it does get better. Not 100%.

I feel like that lady who loves cats a lot? You know, on that dating site video? I’m sitting here crying for all of these things individually, and I can’t help myself, you know… I half giggle, but it’s truth.

I keep seeing all of these situations that make me more and more confident that I am heading in the right direction for my life. It’s emotional and heart-wrenching, and so wonderful. It doesn’t wear me out… I was meant to care. I was meant to help. I was meant to protect.

And isn’t that what ‘Alexandra’ means? Protector of mankind?

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  • #personal
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